In July 2012, I woke the f**k up. I’m sorry, Mom, for swearing in a newspaper, and I’m sorry to those who take offense to the “F” word. It’s just that it’s the only way I can describe it. I didn’t just wake up…I woke up in a massively huge significant way.
In July 2012, a one foot hole was cut open into my body – it was left open for several days. It let the light in me. The scar still hurts, still reminds me of the trauma – mostly the trauma for my family who were left to view me in an induced coma state with tubes and a machine helping me breathe; and a one foot hole. My husband said I looked like the Michelin man’s wife in that state; all blown up with fluid to flush out the infection. I think I might be her for Hallowe’en this year just to mess with him.
So, back to waking up. It didn’t happen right away. It was a process. The one foot hole started the process. Now, some might say I had some post traumatic stress with a twist of side effects from the medication cocktail — I will ignore such comments because I know in the core of my being its not true. Those closest to me know — it’s not true.
I heard a voice saying, “Quiet your mind.” Over and over again, “Quiet your mind.” It was not invasive or scary or weird or anything. It was just a lovely voice in my mind telling me to “quiet your mind.” So I listened. First I started to listen to the chatter in there – there was lots. One stream of thought moving to the next – with emotion tied to it. I could get angry just from thinking! That…began to become a problem for me. If I could get angry just from thinking, surely I could get happy just from thinking, too; surely I could become peaceful and quiet just from thinking. The mental chatter that most of us walk around with (and I still do; I just am aware of it now and fight it like the plague) I later learnt is often called, “Monkey Mind.”
I didn’t want a monkey mind anymore after almost dying. In fact, I think the monkey mind is what attracted this illness in some respects. Not to punish me; but to gift me. To gift me with a new awareness and perspective. Man, I love that massive infection that almost killed me. I love the scar, I love the traumatic memories. I love when I have to go into the hospital and it sends me into a panic attack. I love when my family talks about how blown up I was. I love the memory of seeing my daughter’s eyes fill up with tears when I first came home. The pain I associate with these things, reminds me that in actual fact, I was given a second chance and along with that second chance, a new found gift.
That inner voice I now know to be my intuition, or spirit guide, or my soul. It is the voice of the universe. Some would call it God, or Buddha, or Jesus. However anyone defines it is OK ~ “whatever works for you” is my theory. That inner voice has led me down a very interesting path since my illness – one in which my true self has had the opportunity to emerge.
I am now pursuing my dreams; living my life. Oh, that sounds so cliché. I am meant to help people and I always have been. In my mind, I was born with a job. I was brought into the world with an intention to heal my parents’ marriage. That’s a pretty hefty job, a pretty “tall order” for an infant. And guess what? It didn’t work…although I did have 15 years to try. I’m not angry at my parents for that just for the record.
They did the best they could with what they knew at the time – like most of us as we walk through our days.
But helping people is what I was meant to do. As a child, I was drawn to helping animals and when people were hurting or ill or upset I felt it to the core. I was drawn to the helping professions and became a Child and Youth Worker. I think (I hope) I made a difference in many people’s lives. I went on to teach my profession at the College level. I continue to find myself in a “helping” role even in this capacity. People are drawn to me when they need help, plain and simple. It’s like I am wearing a sign that says, “talk to me; I want to help you”. The thing is, I love people and I want to help them. I don’t default to distrust anyone until they give me a good reason to. I see beauty in everyone. I love getting to know people; the real person within. I love real and honest conversations; not those, “Hi, how are you today?” and “I am fine thanks” kind of conversations. Because no one is really fine at any given moment. Everyone has something they are struggling with, worried about, devastated about, etc.
Quieting my mind since my illness has allowed me to integrate all of this awareness that has always been with me. It has allowed me to understand who I am and what I am meant to do and what my unique gifts are. I can see things now, and feel things that I didn’t allow myslef to before my illness. I see truths about people and situations very clearly. I see the guides that walk with some people. I see symbols in my mind that are messages for people. These are things that I saw and felt as a young person, but they were taken away by scientific explanations or fears that I was not acting “normal.” I have also taken up energy work. I have been told I am a “natural healer.” I love helping people in this capacity. To be able to use my love and healing energy to help others is truly what I am meant to do.
Since waking up from this “monkey mind” state, I have attracted the most amazing people and circumstances to my life. My relationships were strengthened; some were tested and challenged, too. The outcome has been beautiful within my immediate family. We fight, we bicker, and we yell sometimes; but, our love is expressed more freely and more frequently. All of us know that life is precious, fragile, and a gift. I have faced my fears. I repelled down a waterfall, I let the rain wash away some “stuff” in the rainforest of Costa Rica, I snorkelled, I parasailed, I spoke my truth. I was blessed to meet a new like-minded friend after my recovery who recently has become my business partner. I have learnt so much from him and he has taught me to trust myself in this new ability. I have joined his business “O’Nikon:Ra” (O-Nee-gu-la) which means, “Of Good Mind” when translated from its Mohawk origins. We work together to provide a variety of restorative energy modalities and programming for people who are in need of energy balancing, and for those that are seeking to quiet their minds to find their gifts and answers within.
I have come to realize that life is truly magical. Yes, awful things can happen…painful things can happen; but, within each of us lies a strength and resiliency that we can access at any given moment. It is scary to share this story in a public forum. People look at things through different filters. I’m not sure what my friends, my family, my students, my clients, or my neighbours might think about what I have shared here. But I do know that I trust myself, I trust my abilities, and if I quiet my mind enough…all of the answers are within me. I share this because there is someone out there that needs this message for some reason; and my love outweighs my fear.
For further information on O’Nikon:Ra please check out our website at www.onikonra.com